It's Raining
Jul. 24th, 2017 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amidthestarsAs I write this, it's Monday morning. I got to the office early. I'd planned to walk to work, but when it started to rain, I hopped on the train instead, so now I'm here before everyone else and trying to gather my courage.
I've been having a hard time at work lately. I'm working on a big (ish) project - a creative project - and I'm terrified. It's going well, I think, but it's also going slowly. It's a video. I started this job having made about 3 videos in my whole life, 2 of them with my cell phone, so I am learning as I go. For this project, I've shot most of what I need, but I'm terrified that when I put it together, I'll realize that I've committed some massive, irreversible failure, and so I am procrastinating. I've been procrastinating for a while.
Part of my job involves maintaining multiple social media accounts. Because I work for a Catholic organization, this means that I spend at least part of my day, every day, reading Catholic Twitter. And this means I spend at least part of my day, every day, feeling nauseous. Occasionally crying in the bathroom.
I know people who navigate these things gracefully. I know people who hold on to their faith in ways that are deep and intelligent while also being critical of the church as an institution, and heartbroken about the ways in which it falls short, the ways in which it does harm. I know people who refuse to walk away. I assumed I would be one of those. I'm not sure anymore.
I know people who walk away and desperately long to be able to return. I know some who walk away and are fine, happier. I haven't lost my faith, I don't think. I'm just not sure where it fits anymore.
I biked 105 km this weekend, spread over 2 days. This morning, my whole body hurts. Ahead of me lies a week of mostly quiet. I am trying not to be afraid. For weeks, I had evenings full of activity, but now, for whatever reason - summer vacations, rainy days - that has mostly fallen away. I don't like it, but maybe I need it. Maybe it's a good thing.
It doesn't feel that way, but maybe.
I've been having a hard time at work lately. I'm working on a big (ish) project - a creative project - and I'm terrified. It's going well, I think, but it's also going slowly. It's a video. I started this job having made about 3 videos in my whole life, 2 of them with my cell phone, so I am learning as I go. For this project, I've shot most of what I need, but I'm terrified that when I put it together, I'll realize that I've committed some massive, irreversible failure, and so I am procrastinating. I've been procrastinating for a while.
Part of my job involves maintaining multiple social media accounts. Because I work for a Catholic organization, this means that I spend at least part of my day, every day, reading Catholic Twitter. And this means I spend at least part of my day, every day, feeling nauseous. Occasionally crying in the bathroom.
I know people who navigate these things gracefully. I know people who hold on to their faith in ways that are deep and intelligent while also being critical of the church as an institution, and heartbroken about the ways in which it falls short, the ways in which it does harm. I know people who refuse to walk away. I assumed I would be one of those. I'm not sure anymore.
I know people who walk away and desperately long to be able to return. I know some who walk away and are fine, happier. I haven't lost my faith, I don't think. I'm just not sure where it fits anymore.
I biked 105 km this weekend, spread over 2 days. This morning, my whole body hurts. Ahead of me lies a week of mostly quiet. I am trying not to be afraid. For weeks, I had evenings full of activity, but now, for whatever reason - summer vacations, rainy days - that has mostly fallen away. I don't like it, but maybe I need it. Maybe it's a good thing.
It doesn't feel that way, but maybe.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-24 07:50 pm (UTC)I'm sorry it's making you so sad/angry/frustrated. When you think about walking away, just remember, all that decision making stuff we were talking about still applies.
HOLY CRAP ON THE BIKING THING, well done!! I have done exactly nothing physical in ages and am feeling like a doughy, uncooked bagel. Mmmm, bagel.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-24 09:12 pm (UTC)What I tell myself is that maybe it's all just a temporary thing - like maybe I just need a break from Catholicism for a while. That seems sort of reasonable, I guess. I've always said that I don't care so much about being sort of... tucked safely within a tradition... as I do about really trying to wrestle with whatever it is I need to wrestle with, wherever that takes me. Framed that way, I know none of this is as bad as it sometimes feels. But it sometimes feels pretty catastrophic in my head.