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amidthestarsIn early January, I started a project. At the time, I needed something to do - I wasn't working, and had just been through some pretty tough things, and needed a place to put my energy that might, if I was lucky, help me process some of the questions I was carrying. Writing felt too overwhelming, and so I turned to photography. I started taking self portraits. I told myself I'd take one a day, for a year.
I'm 190 days in, and maybe, maybe on my way out of a several month slump in the project. When I started, I had all kinds of time, and was happy to arrange my days around when and where I could take a picture. When I started working, that changed. I got kind of lazy. It started to feel like work. I didn't give up, but I have weeks and weeks of pictures I am not proud of.
I've been taking photos for years, but until last week I'd never shot in RAW before. There are a lot of things I find overwhelming for no good reason, and fiddling with file types is one of them - it always just seemed intimidating in a way I could never muster the energy to face. But last week, I made the switch. I also started post-processing my photos in Adobe Lightroom (vs. photoshop), and dang if I don't wish I had been doing this all along.
For months, I'd felt sort of powerless to create the kinds of images I had in my head. I still do. really, but this makes me feel like I'm getting closer. I have tools that I didn't have before. It's a start.
Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this project. I'd hoped for a couple of things. 1) I wanted to have some way to engage with all the weirdness and change that this year has been (and will continue to be) full of. To document it, I guess, but mostly just to be aware of it in an intentional way. I have so many questions - big questions - about who I am and where I belong in this world, and I wanted to give myself a place to engage with that, in whatever capacity I was able to, or wanted to. I'm not really sure how I'm doing in that respect. Maybe I won't know for sure until long after it's over. 2) I wanted to become a better photographer. I wanted to know my camera better, to teach myself to shoot with less fear, to be more mindful. I feel like it's coming. I can see my photos change when I look them over as a series. I still feel like I'm not the kind of photographer I want to be, but I'm closer than I was before. That's something.
I am more than halfway through now. I have 175 days to go. I'd like to use those days well. I'm not sure how.
Something I've learned in the last few years is that I need to be creative. Without ways to do that, something good and vital and important in me just crawls into a corner and quietly dies. But. What I am I supposed to do with that? People - all kinds of people, friends and therapists and professors and relatives - have often, in the last several months and in (often unsolicited) answer to the question of what the hell I should be doing with my life, said something to the effect of, "You're an artist. Whatever you do, you need to be creating." I wish I felt like I could take that seriously. "Artist" is absolutely a stretch. I feel like I just... play with things. I mess around with photography, but I'm not a photographer. And I'm not a writer if I don't actually write.
Maybe more than anything, I'd hoped that this project would somehow push me closer to feeling like I was real. A real photographer. A real anything. I'm not there yet. I don't know how to get there.
I've been trying for a long, long time.
I'm 190 days in, and maybe, maybe on my way out of a several month slump in the project. When I started, I had all kinds of time, and was happy to arrange my days around when and where I could take a picture. When I started working, that changed. I got kind of lazy. It started to feel like work. I didn't give up, but I have weeks and weeks of pictures I am not proud of.
I've been taking photos for years, but until last week I'd never shot in RAW before. There are a lot of things I find overwhelming for no good reason, and fiddling with file types is one of them - it always just seemed intimidating in a way I could never muster the energy to face. But last week, I made the switch. I also started post-processing my photos in Adobe Lightroom (vs. photoshop), and dang if I don't wish I had been doing this all along.
For months, I'd felt sort of powerless to create the kinds of images I had in my head. I still do. really, but this makes me feel like I'm getting closer. I have tools that I didn't have before. It's a start.
Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this project. I'd hoped for a couple of things. 1) I wanted to have some way to engage with all the weirdness and change that this year has been (and will continue to be) full of. To document it, I guess, but mostly just to be aware of it in an intentional way. I have so many questions - big questions - about who I am and where I belong in this world, and I wanted to give myself a place to engage with that, in whatever capacity I was able to, or wanted to. I'm not really sure how I'm doing in that respect. Maybe I won't know for sure until long after it's over. 2) I wanted to become a better photographer. I wanted to know my camera better, to teach myself to shoot with less fear, to be more mindful. I feel like it's coming. I can see my photos change when I look them over as a series. I still feel like I'm not the kind of photographer I want to be, but I'm closer than I was before. That's something.
I am more than halfway through now. I have 175 days to go. I'd like to use those days well. I'm not sure how.
Something I've learned in the last few years is that I need to be creative. Without ways to do that, something good and vital and important in me just crawls into a corner and quietly dies. But. What I am I supposed to do with that? People - all kinds of people, friends and therapists and professors and relatives - have often, in the last several months and in (often unsolicited) answer to the question of what the hell I should be doing with my life, said something to the effect of, "You're an artist. Whatever you do, you need to be creating." I wish I felt like I could take that seriously. "Artist" is absolutely a stretch. I feel like I just... play with things. I mess around with photography, but I'm not a photographer. And I'm not a writer if I don't actually write.
Maybe more than anything, I'd hoped that this project would somehow push me closer to feeling like I was real. A real photographer. A real anything. I'm not there yet. I don't know how to get there.
I've been trying for a long, long time.
